Where Most Trip Up In Open Relating

The biggest shift in open relating is not logical, and it’s not logistical either.

It’s not agreements.

It’s not even communication.

It's the undercurrents.

It’s a change in our safety programming.

It’s the nervous system.

Within the dominant relating construct of monogamy, safety is organised around one core idea:

my partner choosing someone else equals threat, right?

The mind can understand a new relational framework fairly quickly.

The nervous system takes time.

This is where so many people get lost.

We read.

We learn.

We plan.

We make thoughtful agreements.

And then the body panics.

Fear floods the system.

We question everything.

We lose our centre.

Threat. Threat. Threat.

The mind might be entirely on board, clear, consenting, even excited.

But underneath, the nervous system is still running an older program.

This undercurrent needs tending to.

Again and again and again.

It becomes the practice.

And it will either be where you fall apart, or where you evolve and grow.

I remember a moment clearly, viscerally.

A lover told me they were about to be intimate with someone new.

I knew this would happen.

And my body went ice cold.

Completely ice cold, like a sharp peppermint rushing through my blood.

I noticed it.

And instead of reacting, I let my mind take the lead.

I talked myself through it.

'Okay Narla.

We’ve learned about this.

We knew this was coming.

We chose this path.

Your lover is still here.

You agreed to this.

You are safe.

Breathe.

We've got this.

All is well.

All is well.'

I had to walk my nervous system through it.

Not once, but many times.

Teaching the body what the mind already knew.

We were creating a new pathway, a whole new program.

This is the work of open relating.

And this is where I see so many people get tripped up.

‘Why is this happening?

Do I even want this?

Why am I finding this so hard?

What if I get replaced?

What if this changes us forever?

What if they prefer this person?

What if I lose my place?’

Sound familiar?

Breathe, honey.

Slow down.

We are not here to bypass fear.

We are not forcing ourselves to be okay.

We are allowing the mind to orient while the nervous system is met with patience and care.

And yes, people get tired.

And overwhelmed.

Of course they do.

This is a journey. It truly is.

You are not just changing a relationship structure.

You are rewiring decades of relational safety.

Sometimes generations.

So grace matters.

Go slow.

As slow as you need to stay connected to yourself.

Know your capacity.

Know when to pause.

Know when tending the undercurrent matters more than pushing forward.

And know what your centred self feels like.

Lock into that.

Know it in your bones.

With love,

Narla