Choosing Connection Over Protection

If you accidentally stepped on someone’s foot, you’d probably say, “I’m sorry.”

It’s an unintentional act that caused harm, and acknowledging it just makes sense, right?

So why is it harder to apologise when our words cause harm?

Harm isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes it’s a sharp word, a need ignored, a look that shuts someone down, or the absence of presence when presence was needed. Often it’s not intentional at all, it slips through in moments when our own defences, fears, ego, overwhelm take the lead, or simply we are unaware.

What matters isn’t whether we meant it. It’s whether we can notice when it’s happened. Because the body knows. The nervous system knows. And so does the relationship.

The ego fears and wants to protect. It’s wired for survival, and that protective muscle is strong. Unless we bring awareness to it, it will take over. This is where your emotional agility, communication, emotional bandwidth and soothing your nervous system matters. When you can stay present in the discomfort, you give yourself the chance to meet the moment instead of retreating from it.

I’ve been in relationships where I met defence after defence, to the point where I was scared to bring anything up. No matter how gently I tried, the other person’s armour against shame was so strong there was no space to meet. I could see the fear and hurt beneath it, but I couldn’t reach it. Over time, that silence became a thick wall neither of us could climb, or break through.

I value connection. So even in the clunky, crunchy parts, I choose to keep learning how to connect. Because those moments, as uncomfortable as they feel, are rich with raw vulnerability and when they’re met, they can deepen the relationship in ways that nothing else can.

This is where we get to learn how to love better. Each of us is unique, but when we know how to hold ourselves and meet another in those uncomfortable points, we open the door to such richness, about ourselves, about them, and about what’s possible between us.

Taking accountability, being curious, and sitting in the discomfort of the missteps of connection creates genuine repair and closeness. Avoiding those moments doesn’t protect us, over time, it builds resentment, distance, and emotional unsafety.

An apology isn’t just about admitting fault. It’s about tending to the space between you. It’s about choosing connection over protection, even when it’s messy. It’s holding out your hand, even when your own heart is beating fast, and saying, I still want to meet you here.

If this resonates, reach out through my website www.narladean.com, or find more of my writing on Substack @narladean.

With love,

Narla