Ten Things to Sit With Before Opening Your Relationship

We’re told so many stories about how love should look. That commitment means exclusivity. That wanting more than one connection is selfish. That monogamy is the “right” way, and anything else is dangerous, messy, or doomed.

But love, when it’s lived consciously, doesn’t have to follow the script we’ve been handed, we can absolutely build our own model. Opening a relationship can be a path to deeper honesty, richer intimacy, and greater freedom. It can also be confronting, tender, and wildly unpredictable.

This isn’t just about more people in your life, it’s about more honesty, more awareness, and more responsibility. It will ask you to meet yourself in ways you may never have before, whilst potentially holding someone else heart.

If you’re standing at that edge, wondering if this is for you, here are some things to sit with. Not as rules, but as invitations to know yourself, to know your partner, and to step into the unknown with eyes wide open.

1. Your “why”

Every choice has roots. Is this coming from a place of curiosity, growth, and alignment with your values? Or is it a reaction to dissatisfaction, boredom, or the hope that something out there will fix something in here? Your why doesn’t have to be perfect, but it needs to be honest, both to yourself and to your partner.

2. Knowing yourself

How do you tend to move in relationships? Are you secure, anxious, avoidant, or a mix? How do you self-soothe when you’re triggered? Do you know the patterns you slip into under stress? The more you understand your own relational blueprint, the better equipped you’ll be to meet whatever arises.

3. Your relationship to sharing

For some, the idea of a partner connecting deeply with others feels expansive. For others, it touches something raw. Where do you sit? How do you feel when attention or intimacy is shared? Jealousy isn’t a flaw, it’s a messenger. Can you listen to it without letting it drive the car?

4. Willingness to do the work

Opening up can bring buried insecurities to the surface. Old wounds. Childhood patterns. Stories about worthiness and belonging. Are you prepared to look at those parts, and to support your partner when their shadows appear too? This work asks for patience, self-responsibility, and a willingness to grow.

5. Non-negotiables

Boundaries are not about control, they’re about creating safety and clarity. What do you need in order to feel respected? What agreements would help you feel steady enough to explore? Can you also accept that these agreements may need to evolve as you do?

6. Changes and phases

Relationships are living things. The high of new connections can fade. The comfort of the familiar can shift. You may experience times of closeness, distance, harmony, or tension. Can you stay committed to navigating these cycles rather than assuming change means failure?

7. Your ideal vision

If you could design your open relationship from scratch, what would it look like? What’s the tone and energy of your home together? How do you communicate? How do you stay connected to each other amidst other connections? Naming your vision helps you move toward it intentionally.

8. Your fears

What’s the scariest “what if” that lives in your mind? Losing your partner? Feeling left out? Not being “enough”? These fears deserve compassion and space, not shame. Bringing them into the open makes them less likely to unconsciously drive your choices.

9. The state of your current relationship

Are you starting from a place of trust, respect, and open communication? Or are you hoping this change will create those things? Opening a relationship usually amplifies what’s already there. If the foundation feels shaky, tend to that before adding new layers.

10. Your relationship with freedom

Opening up isn’t just about more, it’s about letting go. Letting go of the belief that love means possession. Letting go of the illusion that you can control another’s heart. Can you celebrate your partner’s joy even when it’s not with you? Can you hold them as their own person, while also being fully yourself?

If you take anything from this, let it be this: opening your relationship isn’t about fixing what’s broken or chasing a fantasy. It’s about deepening into truth, with yourself, with each other, and with the life you’re creating.

It can be messy. It can be beautiful. It can bring you to your knees and lift you higher than you thought possible. And it will keep teaching you, again and again, about love’s capacity to expand.

Move slowly. Stay curious. Hold each other gently in the moments that feel hard, and celebrate the moments that feel like flight.

Whatever you choose, monogamous, open, or something entirely your own, let it be a choice that feels honest in your bones. With love, Narla. Also, this... My Top Reads for Opening Up Your Relationship:

If you’re curious about stepping beyond the traditional scripts of love and exploring open relationships, these are the books I come back to again and again. Each offers a different lens, from the science of human connection, to the tender inner work of jealousy, to the practical skills of building trust and communication.

1. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy – Jessica Fern. For understanding how attachment styles and past wounds shape the way we love, and how to create emotional safety in open relationships.

2. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships – Tristan Taormino. Practical, inclusive, and full of real-world stories, this one is a compass for navigating agreements, communication, and the many shapes love can take.

3. Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality – Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jethá. A fascinating dive into human sexual history that challenges the idea that monogamy is our “natural” state.

4. The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy – Lola Phoenix. Gentle, compassionate support for anyone who feels anxiety about opening up, with grounding practices and tools for self-soothing.

5. Compersion: Meditations on Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love – Deborah Anapol. A heart-expanding look at transforming jealousy into empathy, connection, and joy for a partner’s happiness.

6. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence – Esther Perel. A deep exploration of the tension between security and freedom in long-term love, and how to keep desire alive when you know someone deeply.

7. The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity – Esther Perel. An honest, layered look at infidelity, desire, and the choices we make in love, challenging the traditional narratives of betrayal and opening up new ways to think about commitment and autonomy.